Grieving mum’s 11 years of gifts

Date of release: 13 October 2022

A teacher who lost her son 11 years ago has been donating items to Wolverhampton’s new-born babies and supporting other mums ever since his death.

Shanice Bains-Dhaliwal, 31, has chosen to share how she copes with her grief in Baby Loss Awareness Week.

She buys gift boxes for every boy born at New Cross Hospital each year on August 10 – the date her son Jaiden Singh was stillborn in 2012.

The maths teacher, who lives in Wolverhampton, has also donated Jaiden’s unused clothes plus essentials for new mums, knitwear for their new-borns, baby grows, colouring books for babies’ siblings and Himalayan salt lamps to provide mood lighting and calmness.

Many of the items have been for the Willow Suite at New Cross Hospital, where she gave birth to Jaiden. She also helped to refurbish the suite.

For Shanice, who has since had two children aged nine and five, giving back is all part of the grieving process.

“I’m a bookworm and I’ve done lots of research on grief and when it leaves you,” said Shanice. “It’s only been this year that I’ve been able to talk about it and it still hurts lots and I still cry.

“I will be doing this for the rest of my life but I would rather do this and remember him than not, and pretend he didn’t exist.

“Losing my son makes me feel blessed to have had my other two children. Jaiden didn’t wear any of the clothes we bought for him because they had cheery images of animals on them and it didn’t feel right.

“The giving part started there really. I kept his things until his first birthday but I felt someone should still benefit from his clothes – it was like a gift from him to new life.

“Part of the reason I do this is to help others. I’ve got two healthy children and a partner, but some mums don’t have that when they come into hospital. So every year I ask staff what they need and I do what I can to help.”

Shanice’s loss was as unexpected as it was heartbreaking, as she reveals.

“Two weeks before he was due to arrive, the cot was in his room, everything was ready and everything was fine with my pregnancy,” she recalled.

“At 7am on the day I had a routine appointment to check him, I felt him kick, which was normal. I took my sister along to the scan as she was excited to see the baby.

“The Midwife was trying to find a heartbeat and was trying to keep me calm at the same time. She booked me in for an emergency scan but I thought everything was fine because I felt no pain and didn’t feel any different.

“Then the Midwife put her hand on my hand and told me ‘I’m so sorry but there’s no heartbeat’. It took a few minutes for me to process.

“I was only 19 at the time so I hadn’t got a clue about stillbirth – no one I knew had gone through this; I didn’t even know I had to give birth.

“At first I cried, then I was really quiet and then there was just a lot of numbness. I was put into a side room and by the time my husband and my parents arrived, the Consultant had given me a pill to induce the birth. Then I broke down again.

“I gave birth on 10 August. A Midwife, Sarah Haywood, took his handprints and footprints and signed his birth certificate. I felt blessed to have held my son and spent some time with him before we left the hospital.

“I want people to know that it’s OK to become overcome with grief – you have a lifetime of love to give your baby and it takes a lifetime to come out. But I like to channel that into helping others.

“If by doing this, it’s helped one person then it will have been worth it.”

Carole Sadler, Specialist Midwife for Bereavement Services at The Royal Wolverhampton NHS Trust (RWT), said: “It has been an honour to support Shanice and her family following the loss of baby Jaiden.

“I have had the privilege to watch how they have remembered him over the years by donating gifts on his birthday to little ones born on the unit. They are a very special family.”

Kirsty Malcolm, fellow Specialist Midwife for Bereavement Services, has got to know Shanice through her annual gifts and donations and sees the difference they make.

She said: “What Shanice does every year is so generous and lovely. It’s a wonderful thing to do in memory of her baby boy Jaiden. Families are touched that she does this in memory of her son and are extremely thankful.”